Time to Shed the Shit

An unusual alternative to the traditional January “new year, new me” paradigm.

The first day of the New Year came and went without any of the traditional fanfare & hectic stress from me for the first time in many of my adult years.

In years past, I was the most eager party to jump on the “New Year- New Me” bandwagon and subsequently stress myself to the max with a grocery long list of goals and changes that I intended to make. You know, because when the clock strikes midnight on New Years Eve you flip the switch and suddenly embark on a huge month long quest to become “healthier … better… hotter… skinner… more productive….” etc. All the while it makes you feel absolutely like a rockstar, right?

I couldn’t even type that without making a cringe face; so I guess it is safe to say that is a mentality that absolutely no longer serves me.

Did it ever really though?

No.

I never achieved the “goals” and was always left feeling like a failure in record time- less than a quarter into the new year. Woof.

As I shift myself out of, and away from, the old ways of being- lies I fed myself, the numerous masks I wore, and boundaries that I left to disintegrate in the dust in an effort to appease others expectations-I find myself in a brand new season. A season of rebirth.

Coincidentally, albeit ironically, it just happened to unfold in a brand new year… what an aligned fresh start. So that serves as something on the calendar to mark it with perhaps. But this change has long been brewing and when the desire fully started to erupt in me, no longer unable to be stifled, I barely didn’t even notice the coincidence in timing.

If I’m being honest, which I always am, I think the little pieces of it all came together when I realized this build erupted, no longer happy to remain a dormant feeling, under the last full moon.

Oh full moons. They are beautiful gifts. Gorgeous reminders to take stock of what we have currently in our lives and release the things that are no longer serving us…physically, mentally, emotionally, habitually- in every capacity.

I felt that this Wolf Moon. At first, I thought my spazzy desire to remove my beautiful gel nail polish and fluffy fake eye lashes was utterly bizarre… because for the last entire year I’d really enjoyed immersing myself in these little feminine cloaked luxuries. They make me feel, or made me feel, like a powerhouse sexy mama and I looovvveed that. They were staples in my routine and on my body. Who would I be without those things?

Yet suddenly, I felt this deep yearning to shed.

Shed what?

Shed it all.

It all?

Yes. Shed all of the crap & all of it right now. Everything from…

Emotional attachments to alcohol that had turned into mindless habitual drinking, a flat out unhealthy addiction to DoorDash rendering my kitchen a barren waste land, AND all of of fluffy outer “peacock” layers that suddenly felt too consuming and unaligned. Everything that had felt so me last year suddenly felt foreign, burdensome, and I wanted none of it.

Of course my ego resisted with its alpha and protection based fears. That kind of made me want to do it even more… because if I have to put on all the fluff to attract people, I don’t think that I’m attracting the kind of people I want in my circle and energy field anyway. At least not now, not in this season. In this season I desire to be raw, real & truly me… unmasked, unbejeweled and fully content.

So as NEKED as I feel without my beautiful nails and fluttery lashes, I trust that I’m feeling led to shed these things for a reason. Is it forever? Probably not because this girl has a love affair with nails and lashes… but also, maybe. Who knows! The only thing I do know for sure is that the more that I lean into this deep inner knowing, the quiet whispering in my heart and soul, the more aligned I feel in every aspect of my life.

Listening to the quiet whispers serves me in nurturing ways that continue to both surprise and delight me.

So, with this truth in my heart and mind, I obliged. I cancelled all outstanding appointments that I’d booked through the end of first quarter (double Virgo anyone!?), soaked off the remaining nail polish, decided it felt easily aligned to go sober for a year, tossed all the booze, joined a sober mastermind (which is a kick ass group of women), downloaded an incredible meal planning app (Plan To Eat) and scrubbed away the last of the falsies to reveal: me.

And it wasn't because I felt a pressing expectation to uphold anyones expectations or to do/accomplish anything... it was because it was a soul calling. That's why it feels GOOD and not like work. Torturous work. Checking in on a scale every day, drinking protein shakes & working out like a mad woman to lose my lil belly, stressing out over every bite and hating myself when the scale doesn't change... having more appointments than I can hardly keep up with and that consume all of my free time and cash- just to be seen as 'attractive'. Ugh.

Not one part of that sounds aligned to a life that I desire for myself in this season.

It was like a miniature phoenix moment… I gladly burned it all down and as I emerge a new I have an opportunity to reclaim myself. A chance to decide how I actually want to spend my precious time every day and more importantly, who I truly desire to be in this season of my life and I've been given the gift to discover her. Little by little, and day by day I will just keep showing up to greet her and see what adventures she takes me on.

I’m excited to embrace loving myself in the “Nekedness” where I feel pretty vulnerable and potentially really root down into finding out why.

Maybe that’s part of what my soul is calling me to do in this season. Shed the crap to have the time to step back, completely unfiltered and unadorned, to ask why I feel the need to peacock the hell out of myself to look the ideal part of a professional modern day mama.

That feels equally freeing and uncomfortable so I know I’m in the sweet spot: that tender line where growth awaits.

Do I have a plan? Not really. I just go with the flow and it feels hella good. And y’all- that’s coming from a double virgo.

I can tell you that I can see lots of self nurturing in my future: drinking more water, natural teas, prioritizing sleep, catching hot yoga classes solely because I fucking love it- it makes my body and soul feel ignited in ways nothing else does, cooking whatever I want in the kitchen so that my house feels and smells like a yummy inviting home where my little family is joyful to return at the end of each day and you know what? Even indulging in a fun fully loaded skincare routine at night because to me, in this season, that sounds like exactly what is going to light me up.

I get excited just thinking about all of this. Living in alignment with what I desire... shedding all of the things that doused the flames of my soul, left me aching and longing, and replacing them with the things that ignite my mind, heart and soul. Hell yes to that!

I never got excited looking at the list of pounds I needed to lose… or the stack of jeans I wanted to squeeze into… or the list of goals I needed to check off my list. I was no longer excited to see fluffy appointments on my calendar and felt the sense of homienss in our home slipping further and further away with each meal delivery.

So it’s time. Time to shed the shit. Burn it all down and see what births from the ashes. I'm excited to meet myself, and you, on the other side.

Xo

Carrie

P.S. No judgement if you’re still on the New Year hamster wheel. If you’re happy there, and it serves you, keep on running!! But if you, like me, have a inkling somewhere deep inside that remaining in that paradigm is not truly serving you, then you have the privilege to step down… gift to reassess what really lights you up and the honor to choose where you go from there.